12:39pm...weird.

Here I sit at school...new. A new semester, well two weeks into it all. There is no more crazy stress from the applications but just a soft whisper in my ear telling me I still have so much to complete. The weather is so perfect. I am in my navy dress with a striped cardigan and tights. I feel like I am a serious student. I listen to violin music to soothe my senses, and the ideas start to flow. Paint, canvas, figures, landscapes. I am frustrated. I have always been told what to paint, and know that I have to choose an idea it puzzles me. Should I have went with the figures? What if AP hates it? What if I hate it. I put my whole soul into a piece of work to only be shot down or given an 88% for the millionth time. It is getting old. I want Van Gogh, I want Adermov, I want artists that are like Monet, challenge and explore the surroundings. Can see a beautiful landscape and take it for just that. There is no limits, no personal connection or deep meaning. Simply, a place to let your eyes waltz around the colors and textures that make up a painting. The absolute glee that a piece of art can deliver. Artists have always been misunderstood, or crazy. Whatever. This is a new way of looking at it. Maybe we are not misunderstood, but the people around us are. They are misunderstood, and unable to point out the "goal" in art. There is none. The more art classes I take the more I do not enjoy painting...I love my lessons, but the school's idea of a painting and mine are two very different things. I do not want to make art for him or AP. I want to make art for me and that is that. This post is more of a vent I guess you can say. I am about to take on a huge responsibility and I need the strength as an artist to be able to step back and tell myself to follow my gut. I think it is quite a leap of faith, and I look forward to the journey ahead of me. This will not be hard. I will not attach a picture of my artwork, for I believe that if it was to be seen it would be found. Art is a treasure, and the value is in finding the treasure and the utter beauty in a perfect crimson red or a cool phalo blue. It works. God made it work.

It has been TOO long!

I AM BACK!

Wow! It has been forever since I have blogged. I am not sure why that is, in all honesty, I have been more interested in anything than dropping my thoughts into an ocean of aimless babbles. But, alas, I am here. You may not read this, but it is more for me I suppose. There is a certain peace I experience when I am able to babble on about life and love, or lack there of love or happiness or just my life in general. As I had stated before I AM BACK, new year, 2012. I went to India! I did. And wow, just wow. The people, the beauty in a country that is so forgotten. I was in love. It wasn't the Taj or the villages even, at some moments it was my team and the love and support they showed me through the whole trip. But, there is one moment I will NEVER forget...Her granddaughter's name was Chandani, she was the Grandmother. We were in a small village named Jordi and I was more than ready to keep stretching my faith. At this point i had shared my testimony, and helped with VBS and witnessed with my actions...now it was time to take a leap. More of a giant jump...afraid of what to say or how to say it. Pastor Bond was heading down to the village area where men sat there, full of dirty from their days work, sweat stoked up their shirts, as they sat on a type of stack of sticks sort deal. We walked up to them and Pastor Bond was with Minaoj, our connection in india, and translator. Bond asked if they wanted to hear about Jesus and they all agreed. Here, I watched, listened and learned how to share the word. Wow, it was so neat. All the Bible assignments, worksheets, and cliches out the window. This was the living Bible, the words from the Holy Spirit spoken through His people. So COOL! I had always thought that God rewarded the faithful men and woman, and i was right. In this moment I was shown sheer love in front of me, there was a sense of joy...and i wanted it. Not for me, not for the sake of the trip, but for the woman that sat there with her baby. Bond proceeded to lead the men to Christ, as my stomach began to turn...this was it. That feeling when "no one wants to go first" and there is a musty awkward silence...He asked if anyone would like to share to the woman here........ I kind of raised my hand, in a way where I could cover it up...my dear friend, Hannah, simply asked if we could share together to this woman. My heart raced, I was so excited. I began to talk, being the jabber-jaws I am. Hannah was a bit shy, but helped me when I paused. I had a translator so I figured it would give me time to muster up the words I would tell about my Savior. Before I knew it, I was sharing the gospel message...and some of the words just came out of my mouth...i was in awe. My heart ached with happiness, that is the best way to describe it, it felt like 100000 lbs! I remember writing in my diary that it was the coolest feeling ever and I was exploding with joy that I had another sister in Christ. So many memories in India...handing out the bracelets that several people made with me to give to them. The "5" hour bus ride...that really means 12 hours. India was nothing i expected. it was more.

failure

i failed. again. i missed the early bus this morning, but i get to go to school. i barely finished my essay for english, but i have an A. i love my bubba, and continue to get closer with her even though i have lost one of my friends, but i introduced her to her best friends. i have been dealing with major conviction, but i resolved it today. i did not get my project approved, but i have another chance. i have been working on myself, and "Beautiful Things" by Gungor came on before chapel started as a reminder from the Big Man Upstairs to me. I am holding my tongue and trying to move forward. India is close, i am excited to be God's hands and feet. I love my friends, even if they don't always let me drink out of their water. They are loyal. i want to start a business like krochet kids, kind of, maybe see where God tugs on my heart in India.

That is all for now, i am a failure, but aren't we all? Let us know that only perfection comes from God, He must be my strength.

-Lord Please Be My Strength.

-ps: I love my new beginning with God.

A few words from some dear friends...

"When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly."

Michel de Montaigne

"I wish they would only take me as I am."
Vincent Van Gogh

“A lot of the time it feels like… music is some sort of excuse to be a human. It’s kind of like people need that excuse to go and put their arms in the air and sing their hearts out.”

Marcus Mumford

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing."
C. S. Lewis

"I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people."
Vincent Van Gogh

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong."

Joseph Chilton Pearce

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
C. S. Lewis

"I think celebrities suck."
Eddie Vedder

"It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality is more important than the feeling for pictures."
Vincent Van Gogh

"Don't let your dreams be dreams."

-Jack Johnson

"I'm gonna live till I die."
Frank Sinatra

"I like boring things."
Andy Warhol

"Facts are stubborn things."
Ronald Reagan

"Painting is a faith, and it imposes the duty to disregard public opinion."
Vincent Van Gogh

"Right is right, even if no one else does it."
Juliette G. Low

"Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked at all times."

— Betsey Johnson

"Without an open-minded mind, you can never be a great success."
Martha Stewart

"A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."
William Shakespeare

"I am still learning."
Michelangelo

"A good picture is equivalent to a good deed."
Vincent Van Gogh

- i will continue this later, good bye for now folks.

4:53am

TOMS, one day with out shoes, and i got asked to put on my shoes at my CHRISTIAN school, so upsetting. Trying to spread awareness for something that matters, unlike the millions of inspiring videos they show

in chapel...this accually got people

curious. I told them exactly why i wasnt wearing shoes. And not to sound like a bad ass, but i kept them off, I felt it was worth getting in trouble for if i did...and i didn't get caught

again... Funny, right? You would think something like that would be a positive thing to do, a stand for what you believe in...well, according to them it is not. This really bothered me. And sadly, I saw it coming, cause being barefoot is "out of dress code" certain rules in life are worth breaking. Yes, i got called a hippie (thats nothing new) and a hipster, which i don't even completely understand that phrase anyway, but it really makes me angry when people call me that. Almost as angry when im almost done with a purse and i have to wind a new bobbin. So frustrating, well i got my sewing machine fixed, a lighter note. And plans for India are coming into reality...honestly... I am so excited to serve...in a big way, not necessarily more important way, but i want to step out of my comfort zone... (if i have one,which i don't really think i do.) Sadly, my drive to paint lately has been less than normal, but i think it is because i have become so involved with my love of fabric. which leads me to believe i should look into some career in that area or maybe an art teacher? i loved/love my art teacher in middle school and the private one i have now, shes like another big sister, but older than kristina. oh kristina, i love my sister dearly, she heard what happened after i made my own prom dress, things didn't work out and she bought me a pillow pet. i was so extremely happy......

...she wrote a little note and it made my week, along with spending time with my Bible study girls watching Tangled :) That is a great movie by the way. Sorry this post is super random and there is no reason or rhyme in where i connect all of these thoughts, but that is sometimes how life is. I think sometimes its best to be in chaos. It for sure makes me think, and i am not one to think inside a box. I doubt myself often, art school scares me, but i can't wait. I need direction, but i want to roam free. There are several ideas that i can not express via typing or even painting, i must just think. Sit and think, not a normal concept for most teens. I do some quality thinking when i am in the bath. Thinking is a healthy thing i believe. well, i hope. i love the banjo. and i love God, and His creations. I love only having one year of high school left, but at the same time, i dont want to grow up. I think the world is so beautiful and i want to see all of it. Also i have come to this completely epic conclusion... sometimes we need to pray on our knees...i do this every once and a while. praying on your knees is different than regular prayer to me, not in the sense that it is more important, but i think it reminds me that I am a child of God, cause when i was little i would pray on my knees. I think it is refreshing. God listens to your prayers even if you are upside down. that is all for now.

2:47 am random rambles.

Random 2:47am Rambles...

ram·bledram·bling

Definition of RAMBLE

intransitive verb

1

a : to move aimlessly from place to placeb : to explore idly

2

: to talk or write in a desultory or long-winded wandering

3

: to grow or extend irregularly

So, i am offically a rambler...Things are quite average and the bigger things in life don't scare me anymore. I am accepting forgiveness for the stupid things i have done and moving forward. Some parts of my past still haunt me, but growth is what i have been working on. Life in itself would be so terrible if we did not learn to forgive. This is hard for me and i can pretty much say it would be hard for anyone. I have matured and have said goodbye to some people who have caused me to slip. Know that in this blogg, i write for myself, i write because it is an expression, not because i want a pitty party. please dont throw me one. I love the fact i have two loving parents and one amazing big sister that i love very much, i am blessed beyond measures, but still i believe so deep with in me that there is more to life. I feel like cringing, i cant sit still, i want to do something worth while, i want some part in something important. I long for this so much, i cant wait to get on the plane to India and i cant wait to make an impact. Things i love, like sitting outside on my rocking chair are all grand and such, but there is so much going on in this world. i find myself praying for the impossible, which makes me giggle at times because i used to be one to think it not to be true. Life is what you make it and i want to paint the blank canvas of life in God's palette of colors, i want to be the David in this Goliath of a word...You may laugh at me, but i can do it. I can make a difference and i think that is what we are here for. In Matthew Chapter 22:v37 Jesus talks about the greatest commandments and that is to love God and love others. Who cares if you are Catholic, Lutheran, Baptist, ect. we all should strive to love each other, and frankly i think Jesus would be pissed if He saw how much we fight. Yes, i go to a Lutheran school, and i do not believe every little thing with their theology, but i was raised in the Friends (Quaker) Church, The book they teach from is the same, and the God they serve is the same. I don't really think it matters. The message is the point right? Recently, i was in a dark time with the church and i struggled to even show up. Although i am still upset completely, i think that the message is what is important. Yes, i am still bitter, and i think time can only heal that. God had some twisted plan behind it all, although i am still not sure what that was. Anywho, sorry about the lack of witty comments, and organazation in general with this post. As you can tell i am quite passionate about what i write and its basically just a venting session as of now. Well, on a lighter note, i miss my sister for she is in Wisconsin. Never thought i would say that one, but being a temporary only child sucks..well, i am off to finish my CS Lewis book (NOT NARNIA) that i have been working on for a while, i had read it before, but the funny thing about CS Lewis is....one time is never enough, he is so wise. Certain parts of my faith grow when i read his books, for he knew his Bible shit.

Alright,

I am off to accompany my hot tea,

Mumford and Sons melodies,

and CS Lewis novel.

Toodle Loo.

stop, just please.

WARNING: This is not directed to anyone in particular, although i have everyone in my life, friends and foes to thank for this mix of thoughts...

Stop.

Stop being fake to me.

Stop worrying about howyou look 24/7.

Stop walking on egg shells.
Stop trying to grow up.
Stop being who you aren't.
Stop trying to wear the boots everyone else does.
Stop waving your money around.
Stop complaining to me.
Stop having your own pity party.

Stop thriving for the wrong things.
Stop creating drama.
Stop taking other people's ideas.
Stop pretending to have it all together.
Stop yelling at the small things.
Stop moving so fast.
Stop pushing God aside.
Stop talking down to me.

Stop blowing off the people who really love you.
Stop thinking you are the best.
Stop and thank someone who deserves it.
Stop abbreviating everything.
Stop loving materialistic things.
Stop playing favorites.
Stop talking so loud.
Stop being so sarcastic.
Stop trying to come back.
Stop living in the past.
Stop to smell the flowers...

Please.

Please say Good morning.

Please wash your dishes.
Please attack the blank canvas.
Please sit in your rocking chair.

Please call your Grandpa up to chat.
Please forgive him/her.
Please say your prayers.
Please refocus your life.
Please know you are blessed.
Please know your limits.
Please give me a chance.
Please know i am changed.

Please know it is for the better.

Please talk in a British accent.
Please have coffee with me.
Please remember who you were.
Please don't ignore my affection.
Please listen to the music.
Please put that bottle down.

Please sing with your windows down.
Please remember what they taught you.
Please silence the little devil on your shoulder.
Please create for Him.

Please drive just because.
Please travel.
Please try that new food.
Please sit with her.
Please appreciate them.
Please love a stranger.
Please share.
Please think of someone else.

Please sleep in.

Please don't take these pictures I took.

Please know the truth.

Please capture memories.

Please whistle while you work.
Please remember self image is not everything.
Please know you are only young once.
Please remember i am not perfect, or even close.

Please know i love you.

Please remember it is ok to cry.

Please write down your dreams.

Please watch the sun rise.

Please stop checking powerschool and relax.
Please give country music a chance.
Please stop waiting for time.
Please know He is in control.

Please stop setting everything on logic.
Please know you can't change that.
Please trust that pinky promise.

Please understand that...

"You have no competition because there is only ONE of you on this earth. Embrace that fact and let it carry you in your art, your business, and your confidence." -Mike Colon

"Where you invest your love, you invest your life."
— Marcus Mumford

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

-C.S. Lewis