ok, cool kids. u have a red cup? whoopie de fricken doo! does this alcohol make u cool? ehh id rather not hook up with random people and sell myself like a piece meat. unlike u "red cup kidos" i feel that i am valuable. yes. the whole treasure not target shit but its soo true. i mean think about it, if you were out there looking for a husband now would u want one that has stuck themselves in about every girl out there! NO! i mean come on people, grow a brain and look out for yourself. you want to be some one that can be respected. this is why i am so over high school, so over the cool kids. so over it all. its a giant joke. holding a red cup doesnt make u cool in my department, it just makes u look stupid and immature. that is all.
Honestly, tonight has been hell. I miss knowing what i want to be. i just wish it would come and slap it across my face like BAM! here you go kimberly, here is what God wants you to do in your life, that would be just dandy. I am so over-whelmed and just want to get away. As a person i feel i am super calm, but certain things like deciding what to do with the rest of my life freaks me out. not knowing and being asked freaks me out. my first thought of what i wanted to be a while back was a missionary, but that would not fly with the parentals, then i figured i could put my some what artistic skill to work and be an artist, come to find out that makes little to none on the money scale. honestly, i dont know what i want to do. maybe something with art and well...idk. for now i want to move out and just create and express myself and design and do as i please, but honestly, thats not happening anytime soon. plus, ive had an itch to paint recently and my mother recently kicked me out of the kitchen table where i used to work and now i have no place to go and create, she wanted me to work in the garage but its about 102 degrees there daily. and its hard to create when my brains are sweating on my shirt. i know im complaining, and i should stop, but something about dropping my anger and stress and complete utter confusion into blogger land makes me happy. and as of now its just me and jack johnson awake, no one is onlne...this rarely happens, but there are few insomniacs out there like myself...its only almost two am and im not even close to being tired. you know what else bothers me? fake people. people that love you to your face but talk shit when u show them ur back. people that love you then leave you. people like that are not worth my time. and as a junior in high school i have grown to realize that shit like that happens. and i have to hold onto the ones that do matter, the ones that love fully and cherish me and our memories, the ones that support your wild dreams and tell you its ok to not have it all figured out. i personally dont like planning things out, parental beggs to differ, it loves to plan things out and bugs the shit out of my until i do it. i think its ok to not have a plan. i love art and i want to do something with that. is that so hard to grasp? no, didnt think so.
no sleep just thoughts of future, life, love and millions of colors and images swirling and whirling around in my head. Yep, i sound like a friken hippie. awesome. well, i just finished this book "under the overpass" it was one of the most inspiring books i have ever read...check it out people. anywho...i will discuss that another night. i have something a lot more light hearted. i went to disneyland with one of my bestest friends, Cierra Canale. We proceeded to drop our maturity level down to one of a four year old when we walked into disneyland. Something about that place NOT california adventure, but DISNEYLAND makes me feel like everything is going to be ok and i can just laugh and scream "NO LINE!" then run as fast as i can on the ride because no one was in line. The joy of riding thunder mountain over and over and over and thinking of ways to make it better and better like sitting on the very edge of your seat with ur hands out like buzz light-year and screaming "TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!" or just screaming. The ability to turn into a kid again. i love it. I literally skip around main street like there is no wrong in the world. funny right? Well those giant lollipops in the windows still catch my eye and the cool light things where u push the button and the lights swirl around the disney character of your choice are still my favorite thing to pick up in the stores and play with (i still have NEVER bought one...although i think i would be entertained for quite some time). I was able to drive a car alone today. ok, it was an autopia car and i didn't even touch the wheel i just floored it and enjoyed the very jerky and bumpy exhaust smelling thrill. i was happy. i am happy because you know you have a good day at disneyland when ur feet take a deep sigh once you sit on the tram and you can't wait to go home and come back to the park again.
-ps, all the cool disney shirts are only children sizes, luckily i found a children XL...smaller than a adult medium..it worked ..ive always wanted a shirt with Rex, from Toy Story on it!
this isnt a good feeling i don't want her being upset with me, i didn't want her to think i was doing this. i feel bad. really bad like its 4:55am and i cant sleep because of it bad. i care a lot. and i always will i hope she will see that i do...best friend, you mean the world to me and i love you and care about you always...
Sometimes in life i feel that we don't say it enough so here it goes...thank you for loving me. playing a role in my life that goes beyond family. Those friendships that easily turn into family when a girl can show up in sweats and her hair in a mess and the person just smiles and gives her a hug. not a single word of judgement. not a single thought of hatred. funny right? i thought i had it all figured out a few years ago. i thought "the more the better". i was wrong, whats a friend if they can't prove it. i have lost many friendships in my time some to a bottle of beer to a couple pills, but i know that the worst is when a person wakes up one morning and just decides that they are too cool for you. it blows. you know that crappy feeling that you get when your parents say "we need to talk" or you get a slip to the school office or a best friend says "i need to talk to you privately" it feels as if there is a little man in your tummy wacking it with a hammer. i dont like him. anyways, thats the worst. as i write this i cant help but think about certain people who i have lost as friends. its sad but then i remember that when it all boils down to it..in this world people are people and sometimes they dont care enough to stay with you on your walk with God, or they decide to sprint away. it kills me to look back on lost memories, changed people, and addictions forming. it scares me. I wish we could just rewind to the days when life was simple and everyone drank out of a juice box, not a glass bottle and playing on a field was tag, and not a sexual reference. Those days, well they are gone and its time to step back and learn to smile because we can live above that. Well living above society's dumb ass rules is pretty hard but accually possible. its simple...just learn who you are and stick with it. love God and love others. a wise woman once told me..accually told me multiple times..."be jesus with skin on" well thats easy to say...... but, she lives it. i want to live it. That certain glow coming from a person who has a fire for God is obvious. its something that people notice with out noticing they have noticed it. if you know what i mean. you know whats funny? dropping my thoughts into the cyber abyss, the botomless pit of chaos on the internet. Well... Dear Mr. Abyss, chew on this for a while.
